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I’m a Jealous, Lonely Mama.

My friend Kristen talks about how motherhood is lonely. I’d be lying if I didn’t shed a tear by the end of her confession about feeling totally and utterly alone. It’s true, even if you’re blessed with loving children and surrounded by a loving partner and a handful of friends, motherhood can still be one of the loneliest places to be at the end of the day.

Because my babies have such a huge gap I can look back and recall that feeling with my oldest. That feeling when she wasn’t a baby anymore, but some crazy independent tiny person learning to do things all by herself. The loneliness started creeping in somewhere close to her second birthday and there I was without friends, without support, and totally unaware of who I even was anymore. I forgot how to put on make-up and I frequently missed my cool clothes.

I would leave in the evening and wind up window shopping for things I would never use. I would often run into other moms trying to escape the loneliness of their loved-filled home and I could feel connected to them somehow. I knew that they were secretly suffering, too. But I’d forgotten how to introduce myself. Who was I introducing anyway? I gave up everything to be the best mom I could to my daughter and somewhere along the way I gave up myself too.

It took a while to bounce back from that feeling. I’ll admit that while she was between the ages of two and three I ditched my daughter with Grandma every weekend to play pool and knock back several shots of whiskey. Though not the healthiest choice of a diversion, it was strangely therapeutic. And I eventually decided I was done and moved forward. I went to school, held a few jobs, made some friends. And so here I am.

Baby number two is growing so big! I’m having problems coming to terms with it since it’s a very good possibility we’re not having any more. (More on that depressing news later.) As he’s transformed into his own version of independence, I’ve reached out to a few relatable moms from my babywearing group to form some new relationships. I’m finding it hard to truly connect. I attend meet ups and participate in fabulous, thoughtful discussions online in our forums. But when it comes to action I see play dates and mom outings happening without me. As much as I try to blow it off, I get jealous sometimes. (Okay, every time.)

lonely mama

It’s obvious that I need to stop relying on others to make me feel important beyond motherhood. They say confidence is appealing, so maybe I need to stop hiding and get out there and kick life’s butt.

I’ve decided to go back to work part-time in order to get back into my element of having personal space. I’d like to get in touch with my abilities to make connections and talk to people without a baby on my back. I think it will be good for my fiance to spend more alone time with the kids, too. He’ll learn to love bonding with them in some of the same ways I have, I’m sure.

Here’s to getting to know myself and being comfortable in my own skin.

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Comments

  1. I’ve been there with feeling lonely and lost, trying to figure out my new identity as a mama. I still struggle sometimes. I wish you the best in your journey!

  2. Maegan delorme says:

    My daughter will be 2 in August, and I am in this lonely mommy stage right now!
    I am a younger mom, 22, and all my friends (who I never see any way) are still in college or are working and not ready for children any time soon. I spend a lot of time alone, whether it be in my house or at the park. I wish I could drop my daughter off, to have some me time, but my hubby works 5 days a week, and is finishing college, and my mom works 4-5 days a week.

    I feel I am starting to get back to who I was before having a baby, finally shopping for myself, putting on make up and feeling I am also important. Still, mommy life can be so lonely when you have no one else to connect with.

    Love this blog post!

    • I had my oldest at 20, so I feel your pain. All of my friends are older. It seems like once the kids start becoming more independent we have mroe time on our hands and realize “Oh, there are things I con do alone!”

      Thanks for stopping by, Maegan!

  3. Very interesting to read. I hope you find peace and comfort in your new part time job! Good luck Mama!

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