I have been experimenting with different levels of acceptance with my “new” body. I’m still breastfeeding and I quit smoking, so there are some adjustments to be had in the future that may affect this vessel in which I experience life. However, at this moment I am the biggest I have ever been, a whole two sizes bigger than my “fat” pants from several years ago.
I’ve never been a small girl. I moved from a children’s 16 to a juniors 7. Even in my post-high school, angsty, self-hate days when drugs were for breakfast lunch and dinner I was only a size 11. My hips are naturally wide and my breasts are very large. Having my daughter in 2007 after gaining 73 pounds left me at a 13, up to a 15, and then once she was weaned I lost 50 pounds without even thinking about whether or not I should diet or exercise.
I was happy in 2012 when my son was conceived at a size 13. I gained about 50 pounds with him and was in my 15’s after he was born. Then I needed an 18. I spent 6 months in an 18 before I realized none of them fit. I struggled for the last month or so trying to find ways to make this body wear those clothes. Today my fiance looked me in the face, told me I was beautiful, and said my wonderful body deserved clothes that fit. And I shopped the plus size in several department stores. I came home with 4 pairs of pants suitable for both work and play in a size 20W.
I can’t say I’m happy because I’m not really thrilled. New clothes are nice, but getting rid of my cute clothing is a total bummer. Target sucks now that I’m out of the range for their typical styles, and I feel like ordering anything offline is super dangerous and probably a waste of money.
It’s worse when your wedding count down is in the twenties and your dress is being constructed last minute. AS if I didn’t have enough to worry about besides my ridiculous body issues and it’s inability to be perfect when I need it to most.
And I’ll tell you something… I’m sick of living in Florida and it being 90 degrees in October but no one has a freakin’ bathing suit for sale! I don’t’ get it, man.
I’m trying to accept my body and I’m trying to love who I am. I do feel like I’m awesome, I just fall victim to the general public’s idea of “beautiful” far too much. I need to break free. If anything I’m more bewildered that eating better has made me feel worse about my size and shape. Aren’t I supposed to be seeing some kind of results like better skin, stronger nails, or at least FEEL better about myself?
I really don’t want to be fat, or fluffy, or curvy. I want to feel sexy and be comfortable. And I guess I’m having a hard time with my flesh suit right now.
It doesn’t help matters that operation “get sexy” has failed. Although I do feel better on the inside as far as my health is concerned, this bod I’m carrying around with me has me feeling down. My fiance is very supportive of everything and constantly gives me a boost. Though he’s offered on several occasions, I don’t want to break the bank buying clothing in a size I’m not happy to be in. Luckily, I’ve fund the perfect solution.
When we sail on our cruise in a little over a week, I’ll be sporting some amazing borrowed threads from Gwynnie Bee. Gwynnie Bee is a subscription service that offers brand name clothes for bigger sizes. It’s like Rent-A-Swag for curvy gals.
And that’s what my current closet looks like, folks. Well, not really. Those are the items I have in rotation. I hand picked them to my liking and packed them into my closet. Then Gwynnie sent me some items. I tried them on and sent back the ones I didn’t like. They’ll send me replacements within a few days.
It really is that simple!
I am purging my closet of things that don’t fit and packing away the items I need for motivation. I’m going to get hitched, I’m going to cruise, and then I’m going to come home renewed and refreshed and ready for the world and all it has to offer a big girl like me.
Until then I just might cry a little.